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Loving With Soul A.K.A. Every Relationship Is Two Inside Jobs, Part 3


Written By Executive Coach Erika Feresten and Leadership Coach Jeff Stein, Partners @ Champion Leadership

We're at part three in our divorce trilogy at  We discussed the ego-driven dark side of relationships, the desire which awakens in us to write a new story about why we commit, split, or hit on, the loves of our lives.  We also discussed the "Relationship Math" and amplifying your romantic experiences.  Now, here comes the happy ending, if you'll allow it. Like any serious struggle, this part won't be easy. It will take more effort, commitment, and courage than you have previously summoned.  But truth is, and you know this, all of life is relationships. Master that, and everything and everyone you do will be enlarging to your experience. Master relationships so that they are pervasively enriching and always mutually beneficial...  Master that, and life will unfold as you intended, and your authentic self will emerge and lead. That's the topic of part three with the finale in our series about relationship advice.

Loving with Soul

We've heard the expression, "Be the change you wish to see."  Or, "You teach others how to treat you." Or even, "It's not you, it's me."  Good stuff, all of those. But we'd like to twist the words of John F. Kennedy for our marriage multiplying purposes and say, "Ask not what your partner can do for you, but what you can do for your partner."   We don't mean sacrifice or submission. We mean, asking yourself what you're bringing to the relationship? Are you bringing forgiveness or judgment? Inspiration or desperation? Requests or demands? Kindness or rightness?  Curiosity or stubbornness? Are you giving or score-keeping? Are you loving with soul?

And it ain't easy, because it means choosing differently than you probably have before.  And many of your previous anxieties, judgments, guilt, are beliefs you’ve thought a lot, so the momentum is strong and it will be very, very easy to "go there".  That's because you are a powerful creator. You have wired your brain, tuned your askings, however you want to phrase it, and you’ve probably written the wrong story.  So, when you return to the subject, it comes up strongest and fastest. This is where you have to replay this relationship trilogy. Part one: Awareness. You have to stop and recognize that the negative, self-destructive, and limiting thought you're gravitating to is based on your ego-survival-fearful reactions from a long time ago.  Part two is deciding to choose differently, and that's the part that takes the most effort. But, fortunately, part three is a foregone conclusion. Once you pivot to your truth, your higher self, your better angels, that always feels right. And, spoiler alert, here comes the moral of the story for every plot and for every hero...

Whether you're in, out, or between a loving partnership, it's still the same inside job:  To be loving, lovable and therefore, LOVED. As Rumi says, "What you are seeking is also seeking you."  And though Jerry Maguire had a little too much incompleteness for our tastes, we do agree with the ghostly voice Kevin Costner heard in his Field of Dreams, “If you build it, he will come.”  No matter where you are in your marriage, divorce, or rebound... Reaching for love is always worth the effort, because it guarantees a happy, or at least happier, ending. Choosing love is all you have to do, it's all you can do, and it always improve you.  Every. Time.

To hear us discuss these ideas live, join us on the Divorce Sucks podcast with Laura Wasser.  

Erika Feresten is a Certified Life Coach, and can be reached at

Jeff Stein is a comedian turned Coach, and he is at or

To read more from Erika and Jeff, click here for Part 1 and here for Part 2