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Every Life Relationship is Two Inside Jobs, Part 1


Written By Erika Feresten and Jeff Stein, Life Coaches with Champion Leadership

When the Big "D" is in your sights, in your face, or in your rearview mirror, the next question becomes whether a "Happily Ever After" relationship is possible post-divorce.  In this three-part series, we'll provide the best way you can find that answer for yourself.   

So, you've landed at, which likely means you’ve exhausted your inner and outer relationship resources and divorce is in your sights, in your face, or in your rearview mirror.  We're here to tell you, that in the darker sides of marriage, there isn’t just hope, but an equally strong force within you to live the life you intended, which is automatically born in the darkness.  Because, in the realization and acceptance that you are living what you DON'T want, there's almost always an even greater recognition of what you DO want. High contrast struggle has a way of making things painfully obvious.  We often tell our clients that the best thing about being in a place where the problem is painfully obvious is that it means you've had enough, and you know what to do. So, for the first of three parts of this series, let's start with some awareness of where you might be and offer a relationship script rewrite for you.  Hopefully by the third installment, you will get to believing that "happily ever after" can happen for you...with a few plot twists.

Part 1 - Lego My Ego

Most people build their relationship, block-by-block, from the ego up by finding the missing bricks in your semi-empty self-worth.  Like...

  1. I suck at finances, I'll find a partner who is great with money.  
  2. I feel like my sexuality is the only reason anybody likes me, so I'll sleep with them just to feel appreciated.  
  3. I'm afraid of being alone, I'll find a body with a pulse...  Yes, you! The abusive one who
  4. treats me like crap.  You'll do, as long as you promise to never leave me alone!  Never!!!

The Ego Loves Security

Even the marriage vows are often a pledge of security, and oh boy, does the ego love security.  The ego wants to convince you that all of your love comes from outside you, like an animal surviving in the wild.  In the absence of knowing your worth, and even more specifically, in the fear that your partner will shame or reject you, you'll demand a commitment to NEVER DO THAT!  Right!?! You must promise to love only me so I won't feel the shame of being cheated on. You must agree to be who I need you to be, no matter what, so I'll never feel embarrassed.  You must love me, exactly as I demand, so that I will never feel rejected!

The Ego Doesn't Want to Let Go

The ego loves to demand that the other person satisfy your needs.  I lack romance, so you must be romantic! I can't handle your moods, so you need to give me better moods!  I need more money, so you must find more money! I can't change who I am, so you need to change who you are!  My ego is in control of my heart and mind which leaves me desperately empty, so you must build me back up! You promised!!  Lego my ego!

That's when we must remember and define what a satisfying relationship is, in the first place.

Connect and find out more about Erika and Jeff on their website

Go to this page about online divorce to learn more.